Here’s a secret: during my darkest moments, I feel trapped, imprisoned in my roles of parent and husband. No one seem to talk about it, but I would be surprised if I were the only one.
In the digital age, we have the possibility to enjoy a life of freedom as it was never possible: you can live where you want, work from everywhere with minimal commitment. It has never been easier to find partners, especially if you’re relatively accomplished and socially skilled.
A warning: the beginning of this article is dark, but it gets lighter. Don’t stop in the middle if you don’t want to leave with a negative feeling.
Most of this freedom disappears if you choose to settle, have children, get married… If you work online, you can feel that decisions like where you live are defined only by your partner, who might not have as many choices.
And if you feel it’s really what you want at the time of your commitment… We both now that those feelings are fleeting.
There is always, lucking below the surface, the desire for more freedom. Freedom from social obligations.
During the, fortunately rare, periods during which I feel the lowest, I feel torn appart. I feel imprisoned. I see my partner as my worst enemy. Limiting my choices and impact on the world. I see the commitments I made as the biggest mistakes I’ve ever did, irreversible mistakes, unless I decide to become someone I don’t want.
The reason I feel imprisoned?
When I think of what I could do to extract myself from this situation, I realize they all end up in me becoming someone I don’t want to become:
- A father who abandon his children
- Someone living a life without purpose
I realized that, staying in this situation, as a parent and husband, is actually my best option given the type of man I want to be.
BUT, it seems unfulfilling. The choice to stay seems to be dictated only by constraints I can’t change:
- An exclusive relationship
- Being married
- What if my wife was willing to give the best care to my children, while welcoming me home whenever I wanted to, without any obligations on my end?
- What if I made 20 times more money?
The choice to stay would be full, if I chose to stay even if those constraints didn’t exist.
It would be my ultimate choice, not a choice dictated by constraints. It would be a FULL YES, instead of being the result of a process of elimination to fit my constraints.
Is this possible? I’ve given it a try, here’s what I came up with:
- I choose to see intimacy with my wife as a linear path of exploration that would be broken if I explored it with someone else. My goal is to progress in openness and expression. It’s a unique path that can be frustrating at times, but it’s my responsibility to ensure we make progress.
- I choose to see living together and making life decisions as a path for growth. A very hard one, but one that enables me to grow the most, personally and spiritually, specifically for the reason it’s the most difficult one. Any path with another person would be too easy for me, resulting in less growth.
- I choose to be present with my children because I want to transmit who I am. Every opportunity missed to spend time together is lost forever. Being a father is one of my most important mission. I choose to give fully as an heritage of my experience. Being present also teaches me to see beauty in the midst of chaos, one of my biggest challenge.
- Money is constraining, but doesn’t seem to be fundamentally constraining for me, compared to the other points. Though, 20 times more income seems to be a good goal to set.
Here’s an interesting addition I noticed: now that it becomes a full choice to stay, I found that I also want to live in love. And to be honest: I have no idea what love means. But I choose love. I choose to find and create love, whatever it is, and live it to the fullest.
May this process and conclusion help you go through the dark!
I don’t believe distraction from our darkest thoughts is an healthy way to live. Rather, we can acknowledge them without judgement, and accept who we are. No hiding, no distraction, no denial. But then, it’s our responsibility to find a better story. A story that:
- Expresses purpose and meaning.
- Embraces the situation with total willingness and awareness.
- Is based on a purely egoistic core, making it resilient to bad times, while propagating good to others as a secondary effect.
Your stories are what shape your drive and how you feel. They are the difference between optimism and a pessimism. Taking the time to craft powerful stories can make a big difference for those who want to achieve great things.
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